


Three Rounds With Captain Kirk and His Merry Crew

by shirozora



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Multi, humor/crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-20
Updated: 2010-01-20
Packaged: 2017-10-06 12:23:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shirozora/pseuds/shirozora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happens when the crew of the <i>USS Enterprise</i> has too much time on their hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Drink You Under

**Author's Note:**

> There wasn't enough booze in the movie.

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

* * *

They were making a pit stop at a space station in the Laurentian System after a months-long mission involving Klingons and a previously undiscovered civilization on a previously unexplored planet in a previously unmapped part of the universe. The _USS Enterprise_ was groaning under the weight of all the samples and data picked up during the mission, plus damaged engines thanks to Klingon warbirds and a pirate fleet that attempted to waylay the Federation's young flagship on its return journey.

Nonetheless it was a successful mission and Captain James T. Kirk told everyone to take a break, relax, and chill at the space station's bar. But for some crewmembers, the _Enterprise_ was the preferred bar of choice.

And that was why everyone was standing in a storeroom in Engineering, looking expectantly at their gleeful captain.

"So," Kirk said, pacing around the room, "it seems that we're going to be stuck here for a week longer than we were supposed to, because apparently we need new dilithium crystals – thanks to the pirates – and they don't have any spare crystals at the moment."

"A whole _week_?" Sulu asked, aghast. Everybody else seemed to decompress at the prospect of being stuck in one place for any longer than an hour.

Kirk smiled. "Yes, or so Scotty tells me."

"Aye, it's true. These crystals are hard t'come by, y'know."

"So what are you proposing we do for another week, Jim?" Bones asked, already bracing himself for whatever outrageous proposal the captain had in mind.

"Beer pong!"

Silence.

Spock was the first to speak. "I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with 'beer pong'. Please explain."

"It's an old Earth drinking game," Uhura said. Then she turned on Kirk. "Captain, are you serious? Beer pong?"

"Hey! I'm all for it," Scotty said excitedly.

Chekov was even more so. "I have wodka-"

Sulu shushed him immediately, but Bones overheard. "How old are you, kid?"

"Uh…eighteen in one and a half months?"

Bones rolled his eyes. "Figures. Jim?"

"Aw, c'mon, Bones, he's almost eighteen-"

"Knowing you, and Scotty, if anything goes wrong and I have to report this-"

"Then we'll just have to be extra careful-"

"Captain, I agree with Dr. McCoy."

"Oh, so _now_ you two are in agreement over something?"

Chekov decided to speak up for himself. "But I want to-"

Bones held his hand up. "Shut up, kid. And where'd you hide the vodka?"

* * *

"You sure you don't want to play, Sulu?" Kirk asked as Bones and Scotty pushed a table into the room.

The helmsman shook his head. "No, I'm good. I'll keep Chekov company and, uh, watch the ship."

"Okay. You have the conn, Mr. Sulu. Let us know if something comes up."

"Will do, Captain," Sulu said with a nod, and walked out of the room.

Next order of business.

"Hey Bones," Kirk called out as he held up a bottle of cheap vodka knockoff. "This doesn't look like it's going to last long-"

"No, I am _not_ going to let you use my stash for your games. You realize that when this game was invented it was supposed to be played with _beer_?"

"Aw, c'mon, Bones, _beer_? Who drinks _beer_? And I don't think _this_ is enough to get all of us good and drunk."

The doctor glared furiously at him and his cheeky grin before stalking out of the room. "Fine. You owe me, Jim-"

The door closed and Kirk turned around to the remaining crewmembers. "Right. Spock, you in?"

His half-Vulcan First Officer gave him a look, which was to be expected. "No."

"Why not?"

"Captain, I will not allow myself to partake in a game where the goal is to become as inebriated as physically possible, and possibly beyond. You do understand the effect alcohol has on the human body, especially a large intake of the liquid in a short time. Alcohol poisoning-"

"You're no fun," the captain frowned. "Fine, you can be the referee. Try and stop us when we get too dangerous, which I _know_ you can do. Don't think I forgot that little number you did before you kicked me off the ship a few months ago."

Uhura sighed loudly. That caught Kirk's attention. "Uhura, you in?"

She raised an eye at the skepticism in his voice. "What, you think I can't hold my own against boys like you?"

"Well, I do recall all the drinks you ordered at the bar back in Iowa-"

"I can drink you under the table, farm boy."

"Oh, can you?"

Bones returned with two large bottles of liquor. "You know how hard these are to come by, Jim?"

"There's more where that came from. You'll be fine, Bones. It's not the end of the universe or something," Kirk said, slapping his best friend on the back.

"Famous last words," Uhura muttered as Scotty dumped a heap of disposable cups on the table.

"Well," the engineer said, "let's get started, shall we?"

* * *

Kirk drew the short straw. To make a point – and to mess with Spock – he chose Uhura as his teammate. He thoroughly enjoyed her exasperated attitude as they arranged the cups and filled them with the fake vodka.

"You're going down, Bones!" Kirk called out playfully across the table. The doctor rolled his eyes and muttered, "Wait 'til you wake up in the sick bay with the worst headache of your life, you shameless bastard."

Kirk grinned. "I've had worse."

"I'm not surprised," Uhura said.

Spock didn't look like he wanted to be here at all. That, or he didn't like the fact that Kirk made Uhura his mostly unwilling partner in crime. "What am I doing here?"

"Playing the sober referee," Bones said. He had the same "I'm surrounded by idiots" look on his face. "You have no idea what you're in for-"

"Hey you, shut it!" Scotty said, elbowing him. "Stop ruinin' the fun! It hasn't even started yet!"

* * *

"I bet you four 200 credit chips that the Captain and Uhura wins."

"Wery well. Then I guess I will side with ze doctor and ze Chief Engineer."

"Awesome. So did you give them the stuff?"

"Of course not. Want me to go get it?"

"Nobody's watching."

* * *

"Whoo! We're rollin'!"

Uhura only sighed and rolled her eyes while Bones fished out the little ball and drained the cup's contents.

"This stuff tastes like crap. Kid's got no taste."

"Only you, Bones," Kirk replied with a mock salute.

"Gimme the damn ball!" Scotty demanded, and then took aim. The little ball bounced on the table and over the herd of disposable containers. "Damn! Let me get jus' a wee bit drunk. Then I'll show ye what I'm really made of!"

"Yeah? Then the next time she nails a cup you're drinking it," Bones snapped.

"Your turn, _Captain_," Uhura said, holding out the little ball. Kirk only grinned as he took it and tossed. Arms shot up in the air. "Ha! Take that, Bones-"

Maybe his prodding went a little too far; Bones fished out the ball before Scotty could take the container and tossed it over to Kirk and Uhura's side without giving it a dunk in plain water. It landed with a resounding splash, and Kirk decided he didn't want to endure another one of Uhura's heavily sarcastic eye rolls.

"I'll drink that," he said quickly, while Scotty asked for and didn't receive a high five.

Spock continued to look on with an expression of severe disapproval, an impressive feat considering his tendency to school his face into Vulcan stoicism, and a sure sign that he was beyond exasperated with this ridiculous Earth game.

Kirk sent him another grin, upping the cockiness by a factor of ten, before chugging down some of Chekov's terrible vodka and giving the other players a thumbs up.

* * *

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Famous last words.

It wasn't his day. That's what it was. He ate something wrong several hours earlier, his stomach was being particularly disagreeable today, his body had other ideas, he shouldn't have spent several hours learning how to fence with Sulu during the last shift, those pirates shouldn't have such good aim or the smarts to aim for the engines and therefore keep the _Enterprise_ docked at the space station for an extra week, or _something_ because halfway through the fifth round his body gave up and he crumpled to the floor.

When he came to there were hands under his arms and he was being dragged across the floor, until his back hit the wall. "Let…let go of me-"

"Oh shut up, Jim. You're done," someone-Bones snapped before his arms were dropped to the floor. Kirk blinked several times; the world swayed and blurred, and he rubbed his eyes and blinked again. No improvement.

"Captain." Spock. "Should we stop the game-"

"What, are ye crazy? We're jus' gettin' started!" Scotty shouted from the blurred distance. "Y'think ye can win by yerself, lassie?"

"Just for that," Uhura's voice said coolly, and then, _plunk_. "Drink up."

"Damn it, man! Wha'dyou provoke her for?"

"Nuh uh, I wasn'! I'm jus' sayin', y'know!"

"Saying what?"

"I-I'm jus' sayin', y'know?"

Sitting on the sidelines, drunk as all hell, Kirk actually felt some sympathy for Spock. But as his vision became sharper, Kirk glanced at the Vulcan and the sympathy promptly vanished, replaced by an attempt at a grin.

Spock's eyes were practically glued onto Uhura, who was acting ever so slightly tipsy and who had the most evil grin he'd ever seen on her face. Bones and Scotty, on the other hand, were gone. How they were still standing Kirk didn't even know. And that annoyed him. A lot. Like _a lot_ a lot.

"Why…why are you still standing?" he demanded, pointing at the space between Scotty and Bones…or tried to, because his arm wouldn't follow his command.

"Because we can," Bones said as he tossed the little ball and missed his mark by a light-year. "Damn!"

Scotty started belting out the immortal words of "Auld Lang Syne".

* * *

Two rounds later Bones excused himself from the game. "Can't feel my legs," he muttered as he staggered away and nearly fell on Spock.

"This is a ridiculous game, Captain," Spock muttered as he half-supported, half-dragged the extremely uncoordinated doctor over to Kirk's side.

"Hey, just because you Vulcans can't get drunk off of alcohol-"

"Oh ho, you forgot his human side, Captain," Uhura cut in with a very big wink. Spock turned a slight tint of green.

Yep, she was gone, too.

"So," Kirk said, laying his head on Bones' shoulder. "One of your whiskey bottles that you lose and I win."

"We're not playing, Jim. We lost."

"No we didn't. Uhura's still standing."

"Well in that case I'm sticking with Scotty. And get off my shoulder, you're cutting off the circulation."

Kirk decided his head was a little too heavy, so he just shifted his position and said, "You're not drunk."

"Yes I am."

"Well, not drunk enough."

Round ten. The two remaining players needed significant help filling up the cups again. By now they'd gone through all of Chekov's cheap vodka and Bones' two bottles of bourbon, and Scotty had to bring in his mysterious stash of homemade "something".

"Scotty, is this even…digestible?" Uhura asked, raising a cup to her nose and taking a sniff.

"Best batch…of homemade whisk'y," he said as he tried, and failed, to cap one of the large jugs he had filled with the home brew. An exasperated Spock finally took the jug and cap away, and screwed it on. "Oh…well, thank ye."

"My pleasure," Spock said coolly, and returned to the sideline with Kirk and Bones.

"Before you say anything," Kirk blurted out, a finger pointing in Spock's general direction but still completely off target, "can't you at least admit that this is even remotely entertaining?"

Uhura laughed. "It only gets exciting when you hand him some real chocolate."

Scotty swayed over his cups, hands gripping the sides of the table as he tried to keep to his feet. "…why?"

"Vulcans get drunk off of chocolate," Bones said.

"Oh…oh really? Well…well then, I guess I should, uh…add chocolate the next time I-"

_Plunk_.

He stared down at the little plastic ball in the cup right under his chin.

"Oh."

Could Spock get any greener?

* * *

_Twelve_ rounds. Really.

No, really.

His mind had cleared slightly since, and his hand-eye coordination had improved just a smidgeon, but he was still completely smashed. Was it even possible for him to become less…coherent as time went by? He could talk, sure, but he was quite sure, _quite_ sure, that he wouldn't remember what it was he was rambling about.

"…and then we-we had to dig him out of all those little…this big ass pile of those little…little furry things-"

"Tribbles, Jim. They're called tribbles."

He grinned. "I like it when you sound like that."

"Sound like what?" Bones shifted, trying to wiggle his shoulder out from under Kirk's head. "Jim, I can't feel my arm."

"Annoyed…complete with the rolling eyes. You've gotten good at that, you know that? Whenever I say something I can see you rolling your eyes at me. Are you trying to undermine me? An insurrection, an-an-what's that word-"

"Mutiny, Jim, and no, I am not planning one, what are you _thinking_?"

"That you're very warm."

Bones only half-heartedly covered his face with his free hand.

* * *

"Round fourteen. I'm impressed. Didn't think Lieutenant Uhura had it in her."

"I know, right?"

"Didn't think Captain would go down so early, though."

"I thought he could out drink anybody."

Sulu set his cup on the navigation console. "Apparently not. Chekov?"

The young Russian grinned as he poured vodka into the cup. "You think they'll ever find out?"

"As long as you learn to keep your mouth shut," Sulu said, leaning over and patting the younger man on the arm. "Until you're eighteen, that is."

They leaned back in their chairs, feet up on the console, sipping some of Chekov's stash of real vodka and watching the game on the screen.

* * *

Kirk was beginning to think that neither Uhura nor Scotty were actually human when the game suddenly ended.

They were halfway through the sixteenth round when Uhura suddenly swayed and staggered to her left. Spock was immediately at her side, holding her up as she pressed a hand to her forehead. She mumbled something, and if Kirk actually turned his head he'd probably be able to read her lips but he was quite comfortable where he was.

He _could_ hear Spock using her first name again, but, again, the damn Vulcan managed to be completely incoherent when he uttered it.

"She's done," he heard Spock say in a louder voice.

"…so I win?" Scotty asked, looking absolutely shitfaced. Or so Kirk imagined. All he could see was the ceiling.

"Yes." And now he could imagine Spock's look of Vulcan disapproval. "Are you happy with it?"

"Oh god," Uhura mumbled. "I think I'm gonna hurl-"

They were out of the storeroom and so far away that Kirk could only faintly hear her retching into something.

"That Spock…he's fast," he mumbled, and the fingers massaging his temples pulled away.

"Damn it, Jim, you'd better not hurl on me."

He opened his eyes and tilted his head to look up at Bones' scowling face. "I will if you don't…don't keep doing that with your fingers."

Elsewhere in the room Scotty said, "Sixteen rounds an' I'm still standin'! That's a new record-"

He promptly knocked out.

* * *

Sulu and Chekov burst out laughing.


	2. It's All Fun And Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is never advised to feed the captain ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why was there no chocolate in the movie?

Five days and seven hours after the _USS Enterprise_ arrested the crews of a sizeable pirate fleet – why was piracy on the rise? – lights had come on, breakfast had been eaten, the alpha shift had begun, and everybody was at their stations doing their thing. Except Spock.

Everybody noticed, but nobody said a word, not even the captain, who seemed oddly pleased with himself. Bones was on the bridge with a report on the injured and the dead in the battle when Kirk had sauntered in, and it was all the CMO could do not to roll his eyes and heave a sigh when he saw the look on his friend and commander's face.

"What now?" he muttered as soon as Kirk settled into the captain's chair.

"I don't know what you're talking about," was the cheeky response. "Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, status report please."

"Aye, Captain. Engineering has just finished repairing ze engines. Chief Engineer Scott said he will let you know when we can warp again."

"And as soon as we can warp again we will reach Andorai in forty-five minutes, Captain."

"Sounds good, sounds good. Lieutenant Uhura?"

The communications officer narrowed her eyes as she glanced – glared – at him. "They've agreed to take in the prisoners, _Captain_. I have informed them of the delay."

Kirk cocked his head in her direction, his face perfectly blank, and said, "Thank you, Lieutenant. Have you seen my First Officer, by any chance? He seems to be missing from the bridge…"

"No, Captain. He excused himself after breakfast, and I've been unable to contact him since. Shall I try contacting him now?"

The smile returned and he shook his head. "No. Let him be." He then turned to the thoroughly exasperated CMO. "Bones! What you got for me?"

With a sigh he had held out his PADD. "A list of all the prisoners, including the wounded and the dead. We've seen to all of them, and they're now recuperating in the brig, except for the dead. We begin autopsies at nine hundred sharp."

The captain gave only a cursory glance, as to be expected, but crinkled his nose at the mention of the autopsies. "That soon after breakfast?"

"I'd rather they be done _before_ we reach Andorai, and not after."

Kirk pointed at him. "You got a point. Excellent job, Bones," he said, shoving the PADD back into his hands. The captain leaned forward, hands drumming on the chair's armrest. His eyes kept darting this way, and that, looking for something. Or someone-

Spock walked onto the bridge. Or rather, he sauntered in, with a reckless sway that suggested that not all was right with the Vulcan. Everyone froze as he sashayed to his station, or tried to, since not only was he bumping into everything but he wasn't even going in the right direction.

Eyebrow raised, Bones chanced a glance at the captain, and immediately wanted to choke him.

"How you feeling, Mr. Spock?"

The First Officer froze, and turned to Kirk. His eyes were unfocused as he then took a moment to sweep them over the bridge. "Why…why is everyone looking at me?"

Kirk's grin threatened to split his face in two. "Because you're smiling."

There went one Vulcan eyebrow. "Am I? I wasn't…aware…"

Uhura rose to her feet, and her hand rested lightly on Spock's shoulder. "Are you feeling okay? You look…" She fell silent.

Half the pairs of eyes on the bridge immediately went to the CMO, who was now envisioning jettisoning the captain off the ship and onto the next godforsaken planet they passed by.

"Am I feeling okay?" Spock repeated. He did look a shade too green. "I feel…I feel fine. More than fine. It's like this pleasant…very pleasant buzz in my mind. Very, very pleasant-"

The expression on Uhura's face was unreadable, but no one doubted the underlying fury in her voice. "Oh no he didn't." She turned on her heels and stormed out of the bridge. Everyone stared as the door slide shut behind her, and winced at her fading holler. "_Scotty_!"

Bones buried his face in his hand, already putting the two and two together. "Oh he's in for it now."

Kirk lounged in his seat, enjoying the spectacle to its fullest, not minding all the wide-eyed, confused stares crisscrossing the bridge. "Alcohol? Chocolate? Who knew?"

"Jim, what the _hell_ did you and Scotty do that for-"

Spock took a step in the right direction – towards his station – and stopped, spreading his arms out and staring at the floor like an awestruck child, which was a truly bizarre sight since he was a full-grown, mostly straight-faced Vulcan. "I feel like I'm floating. Am I?"

"Oh c'mon, Bones, he just needed a little loosening up. Remember when we were playing beer pong? He's half human, half Vulcan. Chocolate and alcohol is the perfect combination for getting him thoroughly drunk, am I right?"

"Jim, we _just_ started alpha shift. We have two hundred prisoners to hand over at Andorai. Plus-"

"Where is Lieutenant Uhura?" Spock suddenly asked.

"Kicking Scotty's ass," Sulu murmured as he turned back to his console. He glanced at Chekov, and they both grinned.

"Uh…what Mr. Sulu said," Kirk said. The smile was starting to slip; Spock no longer looked even remotely drunk. There was a sudden hard edge to his expression as his dark eyes swept around the bridge, although he still swayed on his feet. "…Spock, maybe you should go to your quarters and, uh, lie down-"

"No, no, Captain. I'm fine. I'm very fine. More than fine. I would like to know where Lieutenant Uhura is, seeing as she is not at her station."

Oh how Bones wanted to drag Kirk by the ear to the Medical Bay and stick him with a hypospray of every antibiotic in the cabinet, regardless of whether or not Kirk was allergic to them. Hippocrates can join Kirk on the desolate planet Bones was planning to maroon him on afterward.

"She went to find the Chief Engineer, Mr. Spock," Bones said smoothly. "Might want to stop her. We can't afford to lose another one, right, Captain?"

He clasped a hand on Kirk's shoulder and then squeezed hard as Spock immediately turned on his heels – without falling over – and walked off the bridge. Kirk winced and swatted at his hand. "Ow, stop it!"

"You asshole," Bones muttered. "Follow me."

The captain obliged, seeing as his CMO wasn't going to let go of him. "Mr. Sulu, you have the conn."

"Yes, Captain."

Outside in the hall Bones crowded Kirk against the wall. "You insufferable brat. Toying with your First Officer before we-I'm not going to repeat myself. I'm going to guess you paid no attention in Intro to Xenology."

"I slept with the instructor?" Kirk offered, and Bones rolled his eyes.

"Idiot, chocolate's also an aphrodisiac."

"Remind me what century we're in-"

"Not for us, for them!"

It took exactly five seconds for the switch go on in Kirk's head. His eyes widened and his jaw fell open. "_Oh…_"

"Yeah, _oh…_ What did you and Scotty do?"

"We, uh…he made the chocolate whiskey…spiked his coffee, all of it-"

Bones sighed and pressed his head against his friend's shoulder. Explained why Kirk was so insistent on getting everyone a cup this morning. "What the hell am I going to do with you?" He immediately pressed his PADD against Kirk's mouth, muffling him. "Don't answer that."

He pulled himself away and started down the hall. "If I ever see the hobgoblin drunk again I'm declaring you unfit for duty and giving him the ship. I'll be in the sickbay if you need me, which I'm sure you will once Uhura finds out what _you_ were up to."

Kirk had recovered enough to smirk at Bones' receding back, and then turned and sauntered back onto the bridge. He sat down in the captain's chair, had a thought, and then switched on the comm.

"Good morning, everyone. Repairs to the dilithium crystals are expected to be completed within the hour, and once we can warp again we will arrive at Andorai in approximately forty-five minutes. If you happen to see Mr. Spock or Lieutenant Uhura on any of the decks, I'd advise you to get out of their way. Mr. Scott, if you're still alive I suggest you hide somewhere for a while. Keenser, if Mr. Scott is already in hiding or currently incapacitated, let us know when the repairs are completed. Kirk out."


	3. Not A Goddamn Merry-Go-Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The captain probably shouldn't have let his crew know that it's okay to prank him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my turn with the infamous "sex pollen".

The first words out of Admiral Christopher Pike's mouth as the main crew of the _Enterprise_ \- a modern day version of the Rat Pack, or some antique caper classic – walked down the ramp of the shuttlecraft was, "You look like hell."

"Yeah, well," Kirk said with a two-fingered salute, only managing a half-smirk thanks to the bruise on his face. "Picked up a few scrapes and bruises along the way. Nothing like a couple of brawls in deep space, Admiral."

Pike snorted as he scooted his wheelchair forward, looking at the other crewmembers. They seemed none the worse for wear; in fact they looked a bit too giddy for a group of (mostly) youngsters who were cooped up in a starship for the better half of the year without so much a short break. In fact Star Command threatened force to get the _Enterprise_ to come home for repairs and renovations which, or so Admiral Pike heard, their eccentric Chief Engineer objected to profusely.

"Don't worry, Engineer Scott," he said, amused with the sour-faced man. "She's in good hands."

"Yeah, well," Scott muttered under his breath. "She's _my_ damn ship."

He wasn't the first Chief Engineer to become extremely possessive of his or her charge, and most certainly not the last. Pike chuckled as he looked at the others. "Mr. Sulu, remembering to double-check the parking brake?"

The helmsman reddened while the others laughed, although it was his mistake – and cadets make lots of them – that saved the _Enterprise_ from sharing her sister ships' fate.

"Yes, Admiral," was the mumbled reply.

He'd ask about the others, but Pike wasn't one to hold them back from a well-deserved break. So he sent his wheelchair to his young protégé's side as they followed the rest of the _Enterprise_ crew outside the hangar, and said, "So, pirates."

Kirk sighed. "Yeah, pirates. But that's okay, we still kicked their asses."

Pike chuckled. And a small part of him sighed. "How are you planning your shore leave, Captain?"

"Well, Admiral," and they were slowing down, letting the others walk ahead; Pike noticed how both Kirk's First Officer and Chief Medical Officer glanced over their shoulders at them, "I really don't know. Eat some real food, hit up a few bars, make a few new friends…"

"Don't start straying back to your Academy days, Jim," Pike said. "You know they're watching you. Youngest Starfleet captain ever; they're just waiting for you to slip up-"

"Yeah, I know." He could tell the kid had put that into consideration, an offshoot of his deceptively brilliant mind. "I'm not going to drink _that_ much."

Like anyone was going to believe that. Pike decided not to vocalize that thought, and instead say, "I've got your next assignment for you, Captain. Let's go to my office, shall we?"

Kirk looked surprise for only a second, and then gave him an easy smile. "Of course, Admiral." He then looked up to see that most of his crew had stopped walking, and were instead watching him. "Hey, _Enterprise_! You can all go do your thing starting tomorrow, but tonight we're going on a bar crawl! Twenty hundred, front gate, drinks on me! If you don't show up you'll be assigned extra hours in the brig! Or with Mr. Scott! See you later!"

Pike remembered how often many of Kirk's crewmembers rolled their eyes with a look of utter exasperation whenever he opened his mouth. If he didn't know any better he was doing it too, as Kirk turned back to him with a wide grin on his face.

"Trying to go broke, Captain?" he asked mildly as they headed off towards the administration buildings.

"Well, I figured…I owed them for putting up with me for the past half year, you know."

Pike didn't even have to imagine. "What did you do now?"

"Nothing! Nothing…against regulation, that is. So I 'ignore' regulation once in a while, but I don't break _all_ the rules. This was all off shift…well, except when we spiked Spock's coffee…"

Pike decided he should get used to the eye rolling.

* * *

Pirates were known for flaunting the laws of the Federation, and that included carrying around contraband items. Large quantities of Romulan ale was one. Another was boxes of psychedelic foodstuff, the modern version of the old Earth drug wars. And then there's a mysterious small vial that a rogue Klingon was carrying on his person when he died during one of the _Enterprise_'s clashes with pirates.

Bones discovered it while stripping the body for autopsy, and had it sent to Spock for analysis. Uhura decided to hang around while he tried to identify it, and considered herself lucky when he finally determined its properties.

"I have concluded," he slowly said, "that this is not in any of Starfleet's databases."

"Something from an undiscovered planet?" she asked, resting her arms on the table as she watched him tap notes into his PADD.

"It appears to be so. A type of microgametophyte, also known as pollen."

"Pollen? As in vegetation? Plants? Flowers? What's that Klingon doing carrying pollen in a little vial?"

"This type of pollen resembles toxic pollen produced by psychotropic flowers, but it appears to be hormone-enhancing, rather than inducing hallucinations."

An idea planted itself in Uhura's mind, but first she had to make sure it was the right kind. "…what kind of hormones?"

"I cannot say for certain," Spock admitted, glancing up at her. "But I will venture a hypothesis that it may be an aphrodisiac, and a highly potent one-"

She couldn't help it; Uhura giggled, and then laughed, bowing her head as her shoulders shook. She felt Spock's hand on her shoulder, a hesitant touch, and tried to rein in her laughter.

"I do not understand," he said when she finally looked up, her eyes glistening to tears. "What is so funny?"

The idea began blooming.

"Remember that morning when Captain Kirk decided that he was going to serve everyone coffee?"

She could read even the slightest twitch in his eyebrow, and couldn't suppress the smile growing on her face as he then frowned and said, "His body might not be able to handle it-"

"It's only an aphrodisiac," she said, keeping an eye on the pale yellow powder as she walked around the counter. "Just a pinch, Spock…"

"Nyota, I-"

She leaned over and pressed a finger against his chest. "Your shirt was on backwards. I wouldn't mind another go in the turbolift, but what he did was uncalled for. And besides, why not? He's upping the stakes, so why don't we?"

She could tell he hadn't decided between extricating himself from what could become a very complicated situation and going along just to see what kind of shenanigans his captain could get into, "Nyota, working for the Federation is not all fun and games."

"Just once, Spock," she said teasingly. "Just to get the message across. If he can prank us, he can handle being pranked, too."

And for good measure she slid up against him, pressed her lips against his, and murmured other things that only he understood.

Which was why she was smirking to herself as she watched the pale powder dissolve in the alcohol, before carrying the tray of drinks back to her crewmates – Spock did warn against allowing the pollen to go airborne. When he recorded his findings, he neglected to account for several milligrams of it, which were hidden in a small airtight container in her purse, and in the cocktail she set down in front of her captain, She could feel Spock's eyes on her as she handed drinks to the others, but they were not of disapproval.

Head Nurse Chapel had to go find Sulu and Chekov, who were indulging in drinks at the overworked bar, and soon everyone gathered around the round table raised their drinks into the air, glasses clinking against each other in solidarity.

"To the _Enterprise_."

* * *

It was a familiar pattern, which surprised Kirk more than it should.

They'd surge into the unsuspecting bar, thrill the bartender with piles of orders, drink, make merry, turn up the music as high as they can, and then leave for another bar, weaving their way through San Francisco and rooting out even the smallest and seediest cantinas.

It's been over six months since he'd last gathered everyone for a bar crawl, and yet he not only knew which bars to hit up (all of them) and in which order (like a spiral), but he could still recall the names of each of the bartenders.

"Frank!" he hollered as his crew filed into the next stop on the way into the heart of San Francisco. "Frank, I got a whole crowd for ya! Drinks on me!"

"Well, if it ain't our own space cowboy, Starfleet's darling Jim Kirk!" the man shouted over the hustle and bustle of humans and humanoids crowding into the dingy bar. "And what brings _you_ here?"

"Same as usual, Frank! Bar crawl!" And then Kirk managed to work his way to the counter, and he grinned at the man. "How's business?"

"Well, kid, it's same ol', same ol'. Although I gotta tell ya, I got more customers coming in for a few months, all 'cause I told them you're a regular. Or you were, 'til you got yourself a ship and a crew."

"Well we're going to be grounded for two weeks. I'm sure I can get those numbers up again, although I can't promise any more bar crawls."

The man laughed. "All right, Captain Jim Kirk. The usual?"

"Of course. For old time's sake."

Chekov suddenly appeared at his side, face flush with alcohol. He threw an arm around Kirk's shoulder and said, "Oh Capt'n, my Capt'n!"

He laughed, tried to shrug off his ensign's arm. Instead Chekov leaned in, looked Kirk square in the face, blurted out, "You have wery, wery pretty eyes!", gave him a smack on the cheek, and propelled himself off the counter and into the crowd. Kirk stared over his shoulder after the much younger man as he threw himself at the people on the dance floor.

"Ain't he a bit young to be drinking?" Frank asked curiously as he set a glass on the counter.

"Eighteen," Kirk said. "Never seen him that gone before, though."

Frank raised an eyebrow and Kirk looked over his shoulder again, raised one too.

And there was Chekov, making a move on every man, woman, and humanoid he came across. Kirk immediately began searching for Sulu, the Russian's closest friend, and once he caught the helmsman's attention, gestured frantically in Chekov's direction.

"All right, people! Next bar!" he shouted, and tossed Frank a few credit chips. "Sorry about that, Frank, but, uh, didn't expect my ensign to get so-"

"Frisky?" the bartender grinned as the other crewmembers grumbled and set their half-empty glasses on whatever flat surface was closest to them as they filed out of the bar. "Alcohol can do that to you. I've seen you, y'know. I suppose being captain means keeping your pants on more often than not."

Kirk laughed. "Yeah, well, gotta keep up images, you know?"

He drained his glass and turned to leave.

"Y'know, kid," Frank said. "Being captain, it suits ya."

Kirk smiled as he joined Spock, Bones, and the others outside. He pointed to his left. "That way, people!"

He pointedly ignored Chekov, who was currently holding the attention of an Orion botanist. Instead he leaned towards Spock and muttered, "What's up with Chekov tonight?"

* * *

Once, when they were both off shift, Chapel challenged McCoy to a drinking match. It didn't end well – they were both getting good and drunk when the first of many pirate attacks hit the ship. It was probably a good thing that the CMO had another nurse supervise the match, since he had the hyposprays on hand.

Now they could indulge in another drinking match, this time without interruption, but minus the hyposprays.

"What was that?" she asked as she slammed her little shot glass on the counter.

"Eight," McCoy growled as he poured them both from the bottle the bartender – Andrea, that's what the captain called her – and then raised his glass. "Nine."

A sudden crash, and then the captain shouting, "Next bar, people!"

Then he was suddenly next to them, handing Andrea a handful of credit chips and a wink. "Sorry about that, Andy. Hope this is enough?"

Then he threw an arm around her shoulders and the CMO's. "Bones! Christine! How are ya?"

"What did you do now?" McCoy asked as he swiped the bottle of whiskey from the counter.

"Who, me?" The captain didn't even try looking innocent. "Nah, it was Chekov."

"Damn kid's getting frisky," McCoy said.

"He only turned eighteen," Chapel replied. "Let him have some fun…as long as he doesn't end up destroying everything."

"Should up the drinking age to twenty-one," McCoy said as the three of them walked out into the night, following the crowd of people moving to the right.

"Left, everybody! Bar's thataway!" the captain shouted. "Aw, Bones, now that's no way to be fun."

"If you haven't noticed, Captain," Chapel said amiably. "Dr. McCoy here gets cranky when he's drunk."

"Do not."

"Should've seen him during the Academy days," the captain grinned, and slid his arms off of them, jogged off to join Spock and Uhura.

"Should've seen _him_ during the Academy days," McCoy retorted, and Chapel laughed.

She knew; she almost went home with Jim Kirk. Chapel decided it was pure luck that she was assigned to the _Enterprise_ for its famous maiden voyage.

* * *

He'd smile and shrug off the invitations, but when one comes from Ensign Cupcake – he really should lay off that nickname – who could resist?

"Lemme tell ye, lad," Scotty said, pointing a wavering finger in the ensign's direction. "Ye goin' _down_!"

Lassoing in the engineer was probably one of his better plans. Too bad it had to happen while on shore leave.

"Scotty, that only happens if you actually _toss_ the ball and get it into a cup," Kirk said.

"Oh. Oh right. Right." He picked up the slick little ball and bounced it off the sticky table. It landed in one of the filled cups with a resounding _plunk_ and a splash, and one of Cupcake's goons – okay, he should stop calling them "goons" – made a sour face before downing the amber liquid as cheers erupted from around the table.

Next time, he told himself, play beer pong with actual beer. That synthetic shit Bones confiscated from Chekov was downright nasty and barely drink worthy, but mix that with Bones' store of whiskey and one of Scotty's various mysterious concoctions, and they were destined for unforgettable hangovers of mythic proportions during alpha shift. Except Bones, who hyposprayed himself out of it and told the others to "ride it out, leave me alone, I have a job to do."

Budweiser Classic? Not so much. He'd indulge in a few cups the other team scored, but he was captain and ringleader, and he'd rather not accidentally lead his entire crew into an Orion strip club.

But damn did he want to get blind drunk. And the Orion strip club didn't sound like a bad idea, actually-

Chekov shouldered his way in, belting tunes in what could only be Russian, and Kirk wanted to cover his face with his hand. The ensign was more drunk than he'd ever imagined, and, quite possibly, really, really horny.

He looked up to see Cupcake's goon squirming out of an enthusiastic hug, and then Chekov throwing himself at Cupcake, not stopping once in the singing until he gave the hulking ensign a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Then Chekov grinned, patted the man on the unmarked cheek, and pushed himself back out of the crowd, hollering in Russian again.

The silence was awkward, if only because Cupcake knew that there was no way he could just go and beat up Chekov without the full wrath of his ship's bridge coming down on his big blocky head.

"…right," Scotty said. "Well then, bottoms up!"

He missed.

* * *

Four bars and two hours closer to the center of the city later, Uhura was convinced there was a mix-up and someone else had drunk the spiked drink. She didn't believe Spock when he quietly conveyed his observation that Chekov was behaving strangely tonight, because nobody behaved right when drunk, but watching him hit on everything that walked on two legs, with a drunken grin and a red face and a ridiculous swagger, she had to agree that somehow Chekov took Kirk's drink a few hours back and was now under the aphrodisiac's influence.

"Got a mini Kirk walking around," she muttered as she sipped her electric blue cocktail, watching him flirt outrageously with two human regulars.

"Really, Nyota, I think it would be best if you let the matter rest," Spock said evenly as he swirled the contents of his glass slowly. Though he appeared unaffected by the alcohol his eyes were slightly unfocused, a nod to his human side.

She smiled and stretched her arms out, leaned against the Vulcan. "You rhymed."

"I am only stating what is on my mind," he said.

"I should ask the bartender if he has chocolate liquor-"

"That would be unwise," Spock interrupted.

Uhura smiled, rubbed her shoulder against his. "Relax, loosen up a bit. Just think about it; two weeks, all to ourselves…"

Nearby the two women giggled as Chekov tried in vain to describe to them what happened with "these huge…wessels!", whatever the "wessels" were. Bones and Scotty were at the bar, apparently trying to out drink each other. She caught a glimpse of Sulu on the dance floor, and there was Kirk wandering through the bar, greeting crewmembers and joking around with them, occasionally joining in one of their games.

He wasn't drunk enough. The captain of the _Enterprise_ wasn't drunk enough. He was acting entirely too captainy for her, and that was unacceptable. He was not living up to his reputation and she was going to make him, one way or another.

Spock seemed to have read her intent in her face because he set his hand on her left forearm just as she decided to get up and go get the captain a drink. "Nyota-"

"I'll be back," she said. "Expect something chocolatey."

* * *

Kirk was at the bar, chatting up the new Orion bartender – "Hi, you new here? I swear I saw you before-oh, that's right, everybody knows me now. Damn it! Hi, I'm Jim Kirk, and this is my merry crew." – when he heard the tinkle of something small and made of glass break. He thought nothing of it, continued to smile, and prepared to launch into a story about the _Enterprise_'s very first mission – transport Scotty's replacement to Delta Vega – when suddenly he was swept away by the tide of crewmembers streaming out of the bar.

"What's going on?" he asked Spock once he found the Vulcan. Was he hearing sirens, or was that his imagination?

Spock looked deeply unhappy about something – the famous look of disapproval, usually reserved for Kirk – but only said, "Someone dropped a vial of powder, which hit the floor and broke. I suggested to the doctor that it would be prudent to evacuate the premises, just in case the powder causes…adverse effects."

Uhura materialized at their side, looking rather pissed. "I hope the next bar has chocolate."

Kirk snorted, and quickly left the two alone.

The bar crawl slowed to a literal crawl, and ended two bars later, in a small establishment with ambient lighting and a few regulars. By now more than two-thirds of his ensigns and lieutenants had left, dragging themselves back to Starfleet headquarters or the nearest motel. Chapel volunteered to escort their young Yeoman home; poor Rand, vomiting purple into the wastebasket before the nurse was at her elbow, guiding her to the restroom.

It was probably the lack of hustle and bustle and energy and noise that finally made him let out a long low sigh, relax, and lower his guard.

God was he tired. Kirk rested his chin on the sticky table, slowly turning his half-full glass and marveling at how the warm light made the liquid sparkle. Bones sat next to him, drinking straight from the bottle he swiped earlier while Uhura and Spock sat across from them and got ridiculously lovey-dovey – she must have snuck chocolate into the drinks she brought over – and Sulu and Scotty were making bets on whether or not Chekov was getting laid tonight. The remaining handful of ensigns and lieutenants were taking up the other booths and very few were calling for any kind of booze. Most requested coffee or plain water.

All in all, the atmosphere was filled with very drunk, drowsy, content people.

"…can drink _you_ under," Uhura murmured to Spock, her head on his shoulder. His first officer only smiled and drank from his glass in reply.

Kirk had a thought. If Spock was a little more drunk, if the Vulcan wasn't dating Uhura, if he hadn't kicked Kirk off the _Enterprise_ or gotten all uppity and offended that Kirk beat his Kobayashi Maru, he might've hit that. The man – or Vulcan, he was both a Vulcan _and_ a man, and yes, he _did_ care right there, right now - was smart and handsome and wonderfully subtly sarcastic, and it never stopped amusing Kirk whenever he tried to push and prod Spock into relenting to his human side and snapping back.

At least _he_ thought it was great fun. Uhura and Bones didn't.

Speaking of Bones…

"What'cha doing, Bones?" he murmured, throwing an arm around his friend's shoulder. He gestured to the bottle. "Gimme some…"

Bones sighed. "Jim, you're already drunk. I don't think you need anymore." He then slid the bottle over.

Kirk picked it up, gestured to Bones, and took a swig…and choked on the searing liquid. "…what _is_ this?"

"Whiskey, asshole. You done?"

Kirk tried it again, grimaced a bit before swallowing, and handed it back. Well, he did like the burning sensation moving down his throat…he tilted his head, laid it against Bones' shoulder, and mumbled, "…wassup, Bones?"

He did _not_ miss the hitch in Bones' breath.

The ambience shattered when a group of ensigns from Engineering finally got the antique in the jukebox to start cranking out 21st century songs. The bar began to stir, people shifting from drunk to hung over glaring at the culprits. Somewhere Sulu loudly said, "I _ told_ you he's getting laid tonight," while one of the more sensible ensigns quickly switched the jukebox to soft early 22nd century ballads.

The world swayed very gently, very, very gently. It was quite pleasant, if only because his headrest was incredibly warm and soft and-

"Jim, would you just quit it?" Bones hissed.

"Quit what?"

"Quit-quit nuzzling me! I'm a doctor, not your pillow!"

So naturally he continued rubbing his cheek against Bones' shoulder and the soft civilian clothing, trying to suppress a grin as he heard his friend's voice hitch again. Bones' reaction probably shouldn't be this amusing…or pleasant.

Mentally, he grinned – or tried to, but all he got from himself was a lazy smile.

So Kirk tried a little experiment. Because that was what the slosh that was his brain decided to do. He scooted closer, sliding up Bones' arm, enjoying how the man stiffened, how his knuckles whitened as he gripped the liquor bottle too tightly in his hand. Kirk glanced across the table, and met Uhura's widened eyes. He shrugged it off. Her loss.

"Hey Bones," he whispered, smiling and maybe – the alcohol in his brain – shivering just a bit as his lips brushed over the curves in his friend's ear.

"What?" was the hissed answer.

He was totally planning on saying, "What's up?" or something to that effect, but his voice caught in his throat when Bones' free hand grabbed his hand and wrist, the one sliding over the other man's thigh of its own accord. Kirk was sure of it, _thought_ he was sure of it.

Their eyes met, and suddenly he couldn't breathe. This couldn't be the alcohol.

"Outside," Bones growled, shoved him out of the booth, slid out after him, and stalked out of the bar.

Kirk looked up at Spock and Uhura, and grinned. Spock only quirked an eyebrow but Uhura…

"Look what you're missing out on," he managed to say – and wink – before scrambling to his feet and half-running, half-staggering after Bones.

* * *

Apparently Chekov only made it to third base with the Orion botanist. Scotty laughed at him afterwards, and then got smothered in mud when he turned on the sonic shower the next morning.

Sulu sympathized and took all three of them to an Orion strip club, after asking Kirk for directions.

Spock and Uhura's leave got cut short when they got dragged back to Starfleet to translate the hurricane of messages coming in from Andorai. Something about the pirates, as far as anyone could tell.

No one saw Kirk or Bones for the full two weeks. They did reappear at the end of shore leave, when the rest of the _Enterprise_ crew, and a few new ensigns and lieutenants and _loads_ of supplies, were piling into shuttlecrafts to fly out to their newly repaired and upgraded starship.

Scotty was the first to speak, unfortunately.

"Well, someone looks well-shagged."

Nobody was surprised when Scotty came down with a new illness every week for the next three months.


	4. Late Night Trekkin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All quiet on the mess hall deck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The _Three Rounds with Captain Kirk and His Merry Crew_ series was supposed to comprise of three parts, but I had a scene left over and decided to write a coda for it.

It was late gamma shift, and roughly fourth of the crew of the _USS Enterprise_ were beginning to stir.

None of the recently roused crewmembers raised an eyebrow at the sight of their captain and CMO sitting at a table in the mess hall as they filed in to grab a meal. Their captain had a habit of forgetting there was a captain's mess anyway.

The two men had in front of them two tall shot glasses and a bottle of authentic liquor, probably from the CMO's personal storage. The CMO was the quiet one, always solemn and serious when he downed a shot. The captain tended to be more…_energetic_ about his drinking, so the crewmembers ended up doing a double take when they noticed how calmly and quietly he tipped the contents of his shot glass into his mouth.

They seemed to be gazing out the long horizontal window facing them, watching the countless stars go by.

The crewmembers decided to just take their food and go eat elsewhere.

Once the last one shuffled out of the mess hall, Kirk leaned back in his seat and studied his shot glass.

"Are we that obvious?" he asked, watching Bones pour out another one for himself. Kirk held out his glass and the doctor didn't hesitate to pour him one, too.

"You grabbed my ass once, remember?"

"Yeah, but-"

"Right outside the _bridge_."

Kirk smirked. "I was drunk."

Bones rolled his eyes. "Some excuse," he muttered as Kirk swallowed the bourbon. The harsh burn had dulled hours ago, or he drank a bit too much.

"Or maybe," Kik said as he leaned forward, bringing the chair back down to the floor, and slammed the glass on the tabletop, "you're rubbing off on me."

"Yeah? How?"

Kirk smiled. "When I'm drunk, I'm _really_ drunk."

"And?"

"Well, you know me. I act out. Hit on anything that moves. Get into fights and get thrown out of bars. The usual."

Bones snorted. "Like I don't know."

He laid the side of his head down on the table; the cool surface provided some comfort to the alcohol-induced heat. "You can't do that on a starship, not without getting demoted and kicked off the ship so fast you don't have time to blink or even explain yourself."

He raised his head and slid over, pressing up against Bones' shoulder, and whispering into his ear, "But that's all after you kick my ass, isn't that right?"

"Kid, you have no idea," Bones breathed, and turned his head to meet the unnaturally soft, bourbon-laced kiss.

The door slid open with a hiss and Kirk pulled back, glanced over his shoulder. "You're still awake?"

Spock only raised an eyebrow as Uhura made a beeline for one of the replicators. "Is that a problem, Captain?"

"Well, it's not like you're interrupting anything," Kirk said, and he could just _imagine_ the eye rolling Bones was doing next to him. "Sit with us. What are you getting, Uhura?"

"Hot chocolate," she said, and then added, "For me."

"Okay, good. Because Bones and I are not really looking forward to watching a late night interspecies porno-"

Spock coughed politely while Bones elbowed him. Hard. Enough to nearly knock him out of his chair. Kirk rubbed at his side. "Christ, man, that's going to leave a bruise-"

"Good," Bones said simply as Spock pulled out the two seats in front of them, and slid into the one on the left – Kirk's left. Uhura appeared soon after, clutching a mug of something that steamed little curls that vanished within seconds.

No sooner had she sat down and Kirk readied his first crack about chocolate-flavored kisses that the door slid open again. Scotty staggered in, followed by Chekov, and they were both looking a little shell-shocked and grimy.

Spock opened his mouth and Scotty held up a finger. "Not another word."

Kirk was going to take a wild guess and say that Scotty was tinkering with something, asked the starship's resident boy genius to lend a hand and a brain, and it blew up in their faces. He didn't actually say it, though, since he was slightly really drunk and quite possibly a teensy bit sleepy.

He stifled a yawn while Scotty spotted Bones' bottle of bourbon and said, "Can I?"

To add to a "night" of surprises Bones gave a curt nod, and Scotty went looking for a shot glass. In the meantime Chekov made for himself a sandwich and took a bite out of it as he sat down in the seat next to Uhura. The ensign glanced at Uhura's mug. "What's that?"

"Hot chocolate," she muttered, and gripped her mug tighter.

Scotty threw himself into the seat next to Bones and held out a battered Klingon Bloodwine mug, the same one Kirk saw on the engineer's cluttered desk months and months ago. "Fill'er up."

"I'm a doctor, not a goddamn beer tap," Bones muttered, but did it anyway, earning a raised eyebrow or two from the others. He noticed. "What? I don't feel like arguing tonight, if that's what you're wondering."

"Nobody does," Uhura murmured as she took a sip.

Kirk smirked, knowing the real reason behind Bones' uncharacteristic generosity. He'd seen what Bones had slipped into Scotty's "morning" coffee earlier this week, had asked him afterwards, and had winced when told. Poor Scotty, clearly not man enough to walk into the Medical Bay and admit that it hurt like hell when pissing, and subtly very, very evil Bones, pretending he had nothing to do with it.

"Jus' those…bloody wires tanglin' themselves up in the bloodiest way possible…" Scotty grumbled before drinking deeply from his mug. And coughing afterward. "What _is_ this stuff?"

"Bourbon, asshole, you don't chug it like that," Bones said as he poured some into his glass. Kirk slid his arm over, shot glass in hand, but Bones refused. "You've had enough-"

"And you haven't? C'mon, Bones. Hey Spock, want some?"

"Thank you for the offer, but no," the Vulcan said quietly.

Bones merely set the bottle down on the tabletop, and Kirk really had no energy to sit up, reach over, and pour himself another shot. So instead he leaned back in his seat, mindful not to lean too far back even in his slightly overly drunk state, and asked, "Where's Sulu?"

"He has the gamma shift, Captain," Spock said serenely while Chekov wiped crumbs off the surface. Scotty was eyeing the half-eaten sandwich, no doubt considering getting one himself. "I suggest you not call him over until it ends."

"I know that, but-"

"_Finally_," Sulu said as the door slid open and he walked into the mess hall. "That was boring."

"You got to sit in the captain's chair, no?" Chekov asked as the helmsman stalked over to the nearest replicators.

"Yeah, and my job's not boring," Kirk added.

"No offense, Captain, but there was _nothing_ going on the past shift. It was downright boring," he said.

"Hmm," was all Kirk could say as he seriously contemplated pouring that shot. Then, "Was it boring for you, Uhura?"

"I fell asleep, if that's what you're asking," she said, totally not seeing the eyebrow quirk Spock was sending her way.

Kirk suppressed the "I know what you did" smirk, and then frowned. It had better not have happened in his chair.

Sulu sat down next to Kirk, also with a mug in his hand. "So, what did I miss?"

"Nothing, really," Bones drawled. "Just a bit of drinking and talking about nothing."

"And exploding things," Kirk added, looking pointedly first at Chekov and then Scotty. "You didn't damage anything, did you?"

"What, ye think we'd make a wee bomb jus' for kicks inna ship's bloody _engine_ rooms?" Scotty sputtered. "No offense, Capt'n, but yer off yer rocker askin' me _that_ sorta question!"

"Well so-rry," Kirk said. He didn't think Scotty could get that drunk that fast.

Real alcohol was good for _some_ things.

"So…where are we headed, exactly?" Sulu said, finally asking The Question.

Kirk smirked as he leaned back in his seat again. He took a quick peek to his left, and then swung his left arm and managed to hook his pinkie around Bones'. The man, to his credit, didn't do so much as raise an eyebrow as he downed his latest shot.

"Oh, you know…somewhere."

"Surely Admiral Pike said something about our destination," Chekov said as everyone's attention turned to the young captain.

Kirk smiled. "Well, it's not the pirates. Right, Spock?"

"That is correct. The problem was dealt with before the end of shore leave."

"Some shore leave that was," Uhura muttered before taking another sip.

"So it's not pirates?"

Kirk grinned.

"Nope. Klingon pirates."

And that's when the bridge announced the presence of three Klingon war birds zeroing in on the _Enterprise_. Fast.


End file.
